Module 4
Correspondence Style

Click on the links below to go to that section of the module.

Conciseness: Sentences

Now that you have seen several examples of writing that lacks conciseness, you should be able to recognize this aspect of bureaucratic writing when you see it and know how to solve the problem. Your readers will thank you for the effort!

For this activity, your task is to revise sentences that are too wordy, long-winded, or repetitive. Try to diagnose the problem first before you revise the sentence. If you can identify the problem areas, then your revision will likely result in improvement.

Sentence 1 Please be so kind as to forward the document to me at your earliest possible convenience, preferably by at least two days before the start of the Annual Meetings.
Your answer:

Please forward the document to me as soon as possible, preferably at least two days before the Annual Meetings.
Sentence 2 The accounting office will deduct a total amount of $50 on a semi-annual basis, beginning in the month of June, for all staff at the level of economist.
Your answer:

The accounting office will deduct $50 semi-annually, beginning in June, for all economist-level staff.
Sentence 3 Should you have any further questions or queries pertaining to the matter mentioned above, please do not hesitate to contact me at the World Bank, where you can reach me by direct extension at 3WXYZ.
Your answer:

If you have any questions, please contact me at 202-473-WXYZ.

Assuming, with the reference to “at the World Bank,” this is addressed to an outside person.
Sentence 4 Please be informed that the payment for your travel days will be processed by the accounts payable office within the time frame of March 15-30.
Your answer:

Your payment for travel days will be processed between March 15 and 30.

OR

The accounts payable office will process your travel payment between March 15 and 30.
Sentence 5 This expense will be reimbursed back to the traveler upon receipt by the travel office of the necessary documentation; please submit such documentation no later than the date of May 31.
Your answer:

This expense will be reimbursed once the travel office receives the necessary documentation; please submit the documentation by May 31.
Sentence 6 In the future, please kindly include the dollar amounts when you submit or turn in any future claims.
Your answer:

Please include the [dollar] amounts when you submit future claims.

OR

In the future, please include the [dollar] amounts when you submit the claims.

You may want to keep the word dollar because requests from country offices, etc., might be sent in local currency.

Please remember that these are only suggested answers. Your revisions may be different but equally effective. If in doubt, contact your tutor.