Module 4
Correspondence Style

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Revising for Action-oriented Writing

You have now seen how writing loses its impact when a writer uses noun-based writing and the passive voice inappropriately. Generally, a more action-oriented style will have greater effect. Apart from giving more energy to your sentences, this type of writing is more concise and direct, which strengthens the impact you will have on your readers.

Revise the following sentences to put the action into the verbs. Change the abstract nouns to verbs, and use active rather than passive voice wherever possible. (Hint: You may need to invent a “doer” to use as the subject of the sentence.)

Sentence 1 At our unit meeting, a discussion was held on ABC.
Your answer:

At our unit meeting, we discussed ABC.
Sentence 2 According to Bank policy, the hiring of STCs should be done only for the provision of support for a specific task.
Your answer:

According to Bank policy, we should hire STCs only to support a specific task.

OR

According to Bank policy, we should hire STCs only for specific tasks.
Sentence 3 The evaluation of their performance has been made on the basis of available data.
Your answer:

We have evaluated their performance using available data.
Sentence 4 The operation of the scheme has been at a satisfactory level.
Your answer:

The scheme has been operating satisfactorily.
Sentence 5 After we had tried to obtain the payment for several months with no success, the matter was brought to the attention of the controller. A decision was made by the controller that further action was not necessary.
Your answer:

After we had tried to obtain the payment for several months with no success, we brought the matter to the controller, who decided that further action was not necessary.

OR

After we had tried unsuccessfully for several months to obtain the payment, we brought the matter to the attention of the controller, who decided that that no further action was necessary.

Sentence 6 We regret that we are unable to process your July 29 expense claim because a number of unauthorized expenses were included on it. A new expense claim should be filled out. The list of authorized expenses in our letter of March X, 20xx should be consulted.
Your answer:

We regret that we cannot process your July 29 expense claim because it included a number of unauthorized expenses. [Note that “it included” is not personal or blaming] Please consult the list of authorized expenses in our letter of March X, 20xx, and fill out a new expense claim. [Note: It is helpful to put the steps in chronological order.]
Sentence 7 The results of Mr. Tong's examination will be reviewed by us Friday next at the latest.
Your answer:

We will review Mr. Tong's application by next Friday at the latest.
Sentence 8 After an assessment of the most recent budget overruns, the decision has been made to cancel the renovation of the third floor of this building.
Your answer:

After assessing the most recent budget overruns, we have decided to cancel the renovation of the third floor.
Sentence 9 These indicators can be used by health personnel to assess the quality of care and the provision of services.
Your answer:

Health personnel can use these indicators to assess the quality of care and services.